What Do You Say?

We all know someone whose life has been hard. Not just the normal "hard", but really, truly HARD. I got a message from one such friend, and I just didn't know what to say. She's been estranged from her only child for a long time - 15+ years long. We've talked about this, and she really doesn't understand what had happened to cause this separation. In her mind, the day this child turned 18, he decided that Mom no longer needed to be a part of his life. Not, "I'm an adult now, and I don't need you anymore." But rather, "I can't wait to get away from you and stay away forever". And that is how he's lived his life since. I've got four children, and to hear this from any one of them would be devastating. But to have your only child say it? I can't imagine the hurt.

What could I say to comfort her? To encourage her? Not much. I haven't been through any experience even close to that, so even though I can offer her sympathy and prayers for reconciliation, there's not much else I can do. I listen to her when she needs to talk, but nothing I might say could help heal this wound. There's no action I can take on her behalf that would alter things in the slightest way. I don't know her son. I have never met him. I probably never will meet him. Unless they are somehow able to get together and sort things out.

Unless. There's a lot of meaning in that six-letter word.

In our conversations since she first told me about this rift, the comment has been made that she's not able to contact him for birthdays or Christmas, that he doesn't send her a card to wish her a happy Mother's Day. And of course, he's at an age now where he may have married and had a child of his own. Her grandchild. And she might never know. What do you say to someone who carries a burden like this? I am clueless. I have three grandchildren, and I've been blessed to enjoy their company, talk to them, hug them.

About that message she sent... She found out that her worst fears have been confirmed. She has a grandchild, and the family - HER family - conspired to keep this from her. They decided that she should never be told. Her mother, her sister, her son all decided that she didn't have a right, a need to know that she's a grandmother. What do you say? Again, I have no words of comfort or encouragement for her. I've never experienced this level of rejection. I can only offer a listening ear. And a prayer.

Now, I do not know the full circumstances of her situation. I don't know what disagreements have been ongoing. I don't know the other people involved. I have never met them, I have never spoken to them. I only have her side of the story. And it's certainly not my place to pass judgment on anyone, to lay blame. My only responsibility in this is to be there for my friend, and offer what little I can. Which isn't much, to be honest. But all the same, that's what I will do. I will listen. I will pray for her to be reconciled to her son, and be able to have contact with her grandchild.

And as you read this, don't do what we are prone to doing. Don't jump to conclusions. Don't blame. Don't judge. Don't make guesses about the why, or the what of things. Instead, think about the friends or relatives you know that may be in a similar situation, or any situation that seems hopeless. Be there to listen. And pray for them. Unless you have been there, it's best to not say anything rather than risk saying the wrong thing.